Coming back to the light. A very vulnerable post

Feb 3

full of deep truths from my soul to yours —>>>

Perhaps some of the deepest darkness, the closest to attempting suicide I have ever come.

Months of struggling to get through days, moments, seconds
Months of no desire to do anything but feel better and get out of my own personal hell
Months of numbness, inability to feel
Months of hardly wanting to eat & sleeping as much as humanly possible- to avoid having to exist.
Months of not wanting to live- again.
Months of confusion & trying to sort out why, how

I was -perhaps- in the highest, most aligned space I’ve ever been before my rapid descent into the darkness.

There was nothing obvious that sent me under- making the despair and desperation that much worse- for I could not understand.

It was so sudden, it was so unexpected.

I was embarking on deeper shamanic & medicine mentorship. I was asking for Initiation.

I had also found an insanely aligned mentor - a deep soul sister- to support me to bring my divine service into the world in a powerful way.

I felt soooo ready to launch into finally sharing my souls mission with the world to help others heal, awaken and align to their souls highest mission & potential - starting to guide others along the path I have tread. The program was ready and I thought I was too.

In ceremony- shortly before- I looked a new sister deep in the eyes, as tears started to well up in mine-

I shared my deepest fear- of falling into a de-habilitating depression & being unable to serve clients- questioning if I was really capable of stepping into this work

That was in September.

It is February and I’m finally back to a place that I am truly happy I survived this one.

And the lessons and wisdom are starting to land and integrate

And I’m moving slowly as I feel into how to step back into sharing my gifts.

And one message is loud and clear-

part of my medicine is to normalize and share my struggle with depression-

To be a voice in the world- especially in the spiritual communities- that depression is real-

as much as I hoped- that all this healing & spiritual work could prevent me from falling into the darkness again

It didn’t.

20 years of adding tools to my holistic & spiritual toolkit… I have suffered from severe depressive episodes on and off since I was 17.

Meditation, yoga, therapy, affirmations, crystals, essential oils, acupuncture, herbs, energy healing, supplements, diet, plant medicine, reiki, akashic work, shamanic work, EMDR, rREST, Shadow work

the list and variations of the list could go on and on

and nothing could drag me up and out.

The one thing that always seems to work- eventually- was medication

didn’t seem to help this time. After 3 months with barely any improvement- I was desperate.

I didn’t know if I could keep living this way.

Ketamine therapy found me & despite some legit fear-I garnered the courage to dive in head first.

Nearly the same time I started, I discovered that an entity attached to me in that ceremony- and was able to release and clear it.

And I’m still on medication and plan to stay on it.

For nearly 20 years- and probably ~8 episodes of serious misery- in most of which I’ve considered or wanted to take my own life-

Doctors have said that I should just stay on medication.

And I might listen for a while, but stop once I was feeling good again

I’m reevaluating a lot right now.

I’m alive.

I know I have deep wisdom and healing gifts to share

It feels like a death & rebirth cycle

I feel more connected to my heart, my body and my spirit and it’s guidance

I am listening more closely and deeply than I ever have before

Sometimes we must come to peace with our deepest fears & learn to embrace our shadow

Sometimes we must change our perspective- choosing to see western medicine - as an ally, rather than a weakness.

Sometimes we must find the courage to try new approaches

Sometimes we must allow a former part of us to die to allow a new version of ourselves to be born

I’m not exactly sure what lies ahead- but I know it’s gonna be pretty fucking awesome & impactful

And I have a sense I’ll be sharing more of my journey…

If you are struggling, you are not alone.

If you are questioning if life is worth living anymore, you are not alone.

If you are considering taking your life- I plead with you to seek help. Your light is needed.

On the other side of your pain- lies your purpose.

Your deepest wound(s) & your journey to heal it is the medicine you are meant to share with the world.

How you rise allows others to find the strength to do the same.

This post only scratches the surface…

Shared with love & gratitude to all of those who have held me through the dark times. I am loved. I am blessed.

Priestess of Light + Intuitive Healing, Empowerment & Sacred Business Mentor

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