2023 is a year that has shaken the foundation of my existence more than I could even fathom... perhaps the most beautiful & excruciating year of my life, definitely the most intense on ALL the levels. It’s still insane to wrap my mind around.

Today, like all days, I honor my sweet beloved Charles Claassen, and the imprint he, his love and his death has burned into my heart and soul flesh, leaving a gaping hole that feels bottomless.

Words still can’t even get close to touching the void I’ve been in. Total annihilation, and if I’m honest, there are still A LOT of moments that I don’t want to be on this side of the veil anymore. I don’t want to play the earth game anymore.

But somehow the great mystery, universe, spirit, god, the unknowable -won’t take me, despite my thousands of hopeless pleas and prayers…. and after my suicide attempt last year, I’ve made the firm choice I won’t take the matter into my own hands, no matter how desperate I feel. I couldn’t inflict THIS kind of pain on my family and loved ones. And believe me, I’ve cursed this part of myself plenty. Yet, that decision is firm.

So I must carry on.

There is some higher order at work.

I trust in time willl catch deeper glimpses of the higher purpose & meaning of this soul crushing tragedy. Some are unveiling themselves and I am truly beginning to emerge, ever so slightly from the unbearable darkness.

What I do know is there is a deep unraveling, a reorganization, a rebirth so profound underway and don’t know who I will be on the other side.

I’m extremely proud to say I truly LOVE MYSELF in it ALL of this beautiful, heartbreaking, fucked up, choatic, blissful & messy existence of being human.

I am one strong MF… to be dealt this kinda blow… the medicine, compassion and service I will be able to offer to the planet & ascension- on the other side is bound to be more poweful than where I was at before his death.

I’m proud of myself for all the healing & soul work I’ve done to get me to a place that I can navigate this loss without self destruction (I’ve gone down that path far enough for one lifetime & feel fortunate that I was strong enough not to allow addiction to completely take me)

I am proud of how far I have come in these 5 brutal months. I am proud of myself for holding myself in such deep compassion and allowing myself to crumble, collapse, disintegrate

I am proud of myself for allowing & receiving the tremendous depths of love & support from strangers to those I hold most dear.

In the darkest moments, that love & support & generosity doesn’t feel like it made it easier, but it’s kept me here and has been a lifeline that has kept me with just enough life force to keep my heart beating.

And I’m proud to report that more & more light is flooding in. More and more pieces of myself that felt like they would never see the light of day again are resurfacing. My ability to feel anything other than that deep agonizing pain and sorrow is returning.

The bright & sparkly, playful & fun, adventurous & fiesty parts of me are slowly coming back. More and more moments of lightness are gracing my presence. I daresay a few moments of joy have popped in now & then. I’ve had decent days & even found myself having a “good” day once or twice. And boy did I celebrate when I realized it (& continue to with all the subtle signs of progress)

I am deep in the sacred waters of grief and my soul is being carved like water slowly carved the depth, magnificence, magic and mystery of the Grand Canyon.

So, I am leaning in

I am leaning into trust

I am leaning into faith

I am leaning into surrender

I am leaning into gratitude

I am leaning into compassion

I am leaning into family

I am leaning into sisterhood

I am leaning into magic

I am leaning into spirit

I am leaning into Charles presence on the other side

But above all- I am leaning into LOVE.

It is the highest. What Charles and I had was the highest love that we on earth -can touch. The essence of what we all strive to attain- and yet a few precious of us are chosen and fortunate enough to experience it so fully with an intimate partner in this life. And I did. We did. A cosmic reunion of two souls destined for each other and cut way too short this time around.

We were each others mirror- and oh what an exquisite mirror it was. We both did the soul work to meet each other on this level, to be able to receive & give the vast, big soul expanding unconditional love that we are all seeking … I got to taste the sweet nectar of heaven on earth with him and the bitterness of his absence feels like my own no specialized version of hell.

As the saying goes-

The greater the love, the greater the loss.

And here I am, on the other side of the greatest loss. And that love, his love, our love will carry me through all this pain, sorrow, and earth bullshit until I can reunite with him on the otherside.

P.S. Sincere thanks to all of the support on ALL the levels, seriously. I am blessed beyond words. Please keep sending all the love and support. I’ve still got a long, hard journey ahead.

One day I hope to get to personally thanking all of you who supported the go fund me & have showed other forms of financial, emotional, & healing support (you know who you are) It has miraculously kept me afloat through the darkest time. In time, I intend to. I’m being real gentle w myself. Hope you understand.

Tender, but Happy New Years from El Salvador

It was a bold move & it’s been a hard trip on a lot of levels, but it’s also medicine for my soul… so I’m doing my best to ride the brutal emotional waves that arrive w as much grace as possible.

Big love to you all who are riding this wild crazy earth train alongside me.

M